The Pubic Terminator
For the past four or five years, blasted puberty has been cursing me with a non-stop growth of facial and body hair. Every morning I wake to a shadowed face staring back at me in the mirror. My bristly cheeks strike fear into the hearts of children and girlfriends everywhere. Thus I have to perform a self destructive chore; shaving.
The only tool that I ever used was cheap shaving cream and a disposable two bladed razor. After much labor and cuts, it eventually got the job done. Until now...
I came home one day to find a Gillette Mach3 razor resting upon the top of my dresser. It's packaging was intact, so I disregarded any thought that it could be a tampered product from my parents which was setup to kill me upon use. I set the new product aside, noting to use it the next morning.
Cut to the next morning as I am stepping out of the shower. My hand gently caresses my stubbly jaw. I glance down at my new possession, the Mach3. A thick layer of lathered cream adorns my face; the blade makes its first move. Gliding across my flesh like a silk sheet. I feel nothing, yet when it is all over, I am left with the cleanest shave ever. No cuts, no irritation.
Have you ever-payed $30 for an album, well I have. If you answered yes, then, was it worth every penny?
If you like the acoustic stylings of Beck, then you must get this record. Kill your parents; hijack a plane to Japan, (its an import from Japan, so it might be hard to come by) pretend you are a retarded kid and ask for money to cure your brain cancer.
If none of those solutions pan-out, kidnap Beck and make him perform the album for you. Don't fear the jail time you might suffer, for that sweet-sweet music will be in your head to keep you company as you are being pounded in the ass. Rock on!
Fucking germ-vision
Does anyone else remember childhood and the huge issue of hand washing? Right before any meal, a parent would request that you take a trip to the bathroom and wash your hands.
A big fuss was always made, "My hands aren't dirty, look!"
Of course all parents seemed to posses germ-vision built into their eyes, so they always spotted dirt. So off you went, to the bathroom, closing the door behind you. The plan wasn't to actually wash your hands; it was to turn the faucet on for two minutes while you explored the various drawers and cupboards.
Exactly two minutes later you would pop out of the bathroom, wiping you hands on your pants, pretending to be getting that last bit of moisture off.
A parent would then say, "Did you wash your hands? Or do I have to smell them?"
Now you were down to the moment of truth, half the time you would get away with the charade, the other half you were busted. This high stakes game was as real as it got for any little kid. Why, I then ask, didn't I ever want clean hands?!!
He is the gay one, right?
A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, there was a realm known as Eternia. On this strange planet lived a very special, very magical, and very clumsy creature known only as Orko. Very few know the truth behind this mysterious, seemingly retarded fellow. What is actually behind that purple scarf? What are intimate details of his love life? How has he managed to avoid death from Man-at-Arms poor temper, time and time again? All these questions and more will be answered as we take a peek into the private life of Orko, the man, the mystery.
Rumor has it that Orko was conceived during a brief fling between Dumb Donald from Fat Albert and a retarded midget. However, recent discoveries have proved that theory to be false. Orko is of the ancient race Trollian, from Trolla. A realm not too far from Eternia, and just next door to Bullshit. His father, an uncontrollable womanizer and alcoholic, left the family to fend for themselves when Orko was only but 3 years old. This might explain why Orko seems so insecure within in his life, and doesn't have the self-esteem to say to "No" to Prince Adam's constant anal rampages.
Macromedia, the money hungry monster of poor usability
One of the biggest hurdles a web-designer must overcome is bringing together a site that allows access on all platforms, browsers, and systems. Many people thought that the Flash swf format solved that problem. A developer was able to have full control over a presentation that looked exactly the same across the diversity of web users, as long as the users had the plugin installed on their computer.
If the user did not have the plugin, then they could not see the content. Thus, Flash did not solve the diversity problem. It is the same as requiring Netscape to view a site, if the user does not have Netscape, they do not see the content. All of these Flash developers have been lying to themselves, just so they could make some lengthy, bandwidth heavy intro movie.
"But Nick, everyone knows that over 90% of users have Flash installed on their computer!"
Yes that is true, 90% have the Flash plugin installed, however that statistic represents those who have the Flash 2 plugin installed, not the current Flash 4 plugin. (only 74% of users have that) Those who don't have the latest version of the plugin installed will be treated to a movie lacking sound, advanced interaction (actionscript) and forms. While there are techniques for detecting plugin versions, most sites do not use them. (statistics source)
