Years ago I (anonymously) posted this little rant in the Minnesota Off-Road Cyclists forum (MORC). As intended, it pissed quite a few people off. The president of MORC found my email address and for some reason started sending me really graphic porn. It was akward.
I just moved back to Burnsville after living out west for 2 years. I used to ride Terrace Oaks and Lebanon all the time. For first time since returning to the Midwest, I rode both trails today. (Yes I know Terrace is "closed" – call the police). I have a few comments to make in regards to the changes made to the trails in the last two years:
Terrace Oaks
The very first hill climb into the trails was made way easier. Not that big of a deal – but why!!?? Then the sweet swooping banked downhill into the creek was completely removed! "What the fuck!!" I exclaimed to my riding partner. Then I jokingly said "I bet that really steep climb is closed off too." And guess what – the motherfucking steep climb IS closed off! You fucking pussies put in a gentle switch back grade all the way to the top. WHY!!??Lebanon Hills
I was already flaming pissed-off after a lap at Terrace – and expected Lebanon to be much worse. I had heard vomit inducing rumors of half-assed "North Shore" style trails being installed where they don't belong. First off – the steep gravel hill out the parking lot is gone, replaced with a gentle gradient that winds itself into the main trail. Then the next double-slope steep hill has been closed off and rerouted. And finally you are forced onto that shitty bumpy easy trail to get back to the >>parking lot – where here as before you could exit on a gravel trail and drag race to the parking lot. To top it all off, there is some guy out there blowing leaves off the trails like it is some goddamn ride at Disney Land!! What the fuck is going on!?Summary
These trails have been completely pussified. Any hill or gradient that might actually get your heartrate up or force you off the bike have been removed or rerouted. I thought I had accidentally ridden to the River Bottoms. Why the fuck did you do this!!?? Is it so you can pedal your 6" travel free-ride bikes (which are completely pointless on these trails) without ever having to break a sweat? Or is it so that we can clog the trails with 70 year-old men and their comfort bikes?I would like to state that I am for trail work - I think it is every cyclist's job to maintain and care for the trails on which they ride. However what you have done is fucking reatarded.
I will make it my personal mission to rebuild the Terrace Oaks trail to it's former glory. Yeah that's right, FUCK you, try and stop me. I will also continue poaching Terrace Oaks until the snow falls. You pussies can have Lebanon Hills to share with all the 400 pound fat asses, grandmothers and lame-ass douche bags with long travel comfort bikes taking up the trail. You can actually get some use out of your free-ride bikes when trying to negotiate all the rutted, pitted turns from clueless assholes riding their brakes at every hitch on the trail.
MORC, please stay away from Murphy. I know there are lots steep hills out there, and it is too hard to haul your aging, weekend warrior bodies up it – but leave something south of the river for people who equate riding a bike with physical fitness to ride.
Happy trails fuckers!
