53x11.com

Micheal Jackson Fans are Following the King of Pop to the Grave

nick@53x11.com (Nick Schaffner) — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 12:23:00 -0700

Since Micheal Jackson's death on June 25th, 2009 - there have been 12 confirmed reports of devout fans ending their lives in response.

If you or anyone you know are even remotely considering suicide as a repercussion to the death of Micheal Jackson, I strongly urge you to take action immediately. Here is a list of possible options.

Light your head on fire as MJ did in the infamous 1984 Pepsi Ad. To insure a fatality, take a kerosene bath beforehand.
Reenact the Thriller video as a zombie by burying yourself into a deep dirt grave. Then run out of oxygen.
Grow up as an a confused pop-star abused by your father, surgically alter your appearance beyond that of a human being, fuck lots of little boys, and ultimately become addicted to pain killers until your body shuts down with a heart attack in your sleep.

Bike Racing Looks Fun, How Can I Join In?

nick@53x11.com (Nick Schaffner) — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 14:25:00 -0700

This article was originally published in the Friday June 19th 2009 edition of the Sierra Sun.

The Tour de Nez bicycle race extravaganza has descended upon Truckee once again. It's a blur of bright jerseys and rolling wheels all traveling at speeds in excess of 30 miles per hour. The downtown criterium is an hour long display of pure athleticism and team tactics. It takes a mix of brawn, cunning, courage and luck to stand atop the podium at the end.

Bike racing certainly looks like a lot of fun. You might find yourself thinking, "I'd like to do that."

The cost of entry into bicycle racing is no more expensive than most sports. You can get started today for under $1500. This is comparable to buying 2 pairs of skis and a season pass.

Road bicycle, with drop handlebars. ($800 - $9000)
Bicycle Helmet ($50 - $200)
Cycling Shoes ($75 - $300)
Riding Shorts, Jersey & Gloves ($125 - $300)
Accessories; pump, spare tubes, bottles, etc ($100)

Cycling is a technology oriented sport, with fancy new bikes coming out every season. As listed, you can spend upwards of $10,000 on new bike. But I am going to reveal a secret passed down through the ages of budget minded riders. A $10,000 road bike is just as fast as an $800 road bike. It's all about the Indian, not the canoe. Or it's all about the rider, not the bike. There isn't much you can do to a road bicycle to make it faster; its speed limit is dictated by the engine in your legs and lungs. You can spend thousands of dollars building a bike 5 pounds lighter to get you up the hills a few seconds faster, or you could save that money and drop the 5 pounds off your midsection with a little sweat equity. The fit or size of your road bike is the most important factor when buying. Getting that proper fit is something you can expect to find when buying from your local bike shop.

Now that you have the equipment, it's time to get out and ride. Before jumping straight into competition, you will want to experience riding with a group in a non-competitive environment. In the Reno/Tahoe area there are several group rides that require nothing more than a willing set of legs to participate in.

Every Wednesday at 6pm behind the Gateway Shopping Center in Truckee. 1.5 hours with a slow and fast group option.
Every Saturday at 9am at Walden's Coffee Shop in Reno. 1-2 hours, with groups usually splitting up by ability level.
The Procrastinating Pedalers of Reno have several group rides each week, please see their website calendar for further information. (www.pedalers.org)

Once you have some familiarity with group riding, you are ready for your first race. For Reno/Tahoe area riders there are two governing bodies of organized competition, USA Cycling and the Reno Wheelmen.

USA Cycling sanctioned events (like the Tour de Nez) are typically bigger events, and may require a few hours of travel as they are often hosted in the Central Valley and Bay Area. They have a ranking system to insure you are always racing with riders at your ability or age level. USA Cycling does require a $60 annual membership for participation. The Northern California and Nevada Cycling (NCNCA) association has a detailed calendar of events from January through September.

NCNCA (ncnca.org)
USA Cycling (usacycling.org)

Reno Wheelmen events are a weekly series of races held locally from April through August. With minimal travel time, and only $10 per event – the Wheelmen races are the best way for an aspiring racer to get their first taste of competition.

Reno Wheelmen (renowheelmen.org)

All it takes is a desire to compete and a working road bike. Before you know it you could be on the path to racing with the professionals at the Tour de Nez.

Team rider Nick Schaffner is the author of this week's Cyclepaths/Wild Cherries Racing column. Cyclepaths/Wild Cherries Racing is a Truckee-based cycling team focused on racing and local bike advocacy. For more information, results and upcoming events, visit cwcracing.org.

5/19 Reno Wheelmen Air Center Race Report

nick@53x11.com (Nick Schaffner) — Wed, 20 May 2009 14:07:00 -0700

As we rolled up to the start line, the Race Director (Rich Paul) crackled out on his loudspeaker. He began a short speech, rehashed a thousand times over at every local Tuesday night crit in the nation. Safety-this, lap count-that. Premes, points, etc. Then suddenly his voice began to deepen. His banter into the loudspeaker slowed and his words sounded like they were being channeled from a higher power. The ground began to rumble beneath us and dark clouds emerged to blot out the sun. Rich paused, as a sudden silence fell on the normally chatty group. Without opening his mouth, the loudspeaker roared in the tongue of an ancient demon, "The winner of this day's Air Center Criterium shall receive not one, but TWO no-holds bared, full-day tickets to thy fabled Wild Island Water Park!" In the distance, lighting crashed beyond the shadow of Mount Rose.

Those words, "Wild Island" were echoed as foreboding whispers throughout the group of forty competitors. Muscles tensed, sweat beads formed and veins began to throb with boiling blood. Lighting crashed again as the wind howled through the narrow race course.

United as teammates under the banner of Cyclepaths/Wild Cherries Racing, the three of us stood among the restlessness at the line, patiently waiting for the race to start. Matthew Chappell, Nathan Freed and I, Nicholas James Schaffner, didn't even need to exchange words. We knew the carnal pleasures of a slippery water slide under the beaming sierra sun on a hot Reno day. All it took was a quick wink between our trio, and a sacred silent pact was sealed to sacrifice legs, lungs and lives to acquire those tickets. Needless to say, much was on the line for this race, and shit was about to hit the fan...

Except it was super windy on the front side of the course, and the big swinging dicks in the peleton weren't motivated to get away. Nate wasn't making any ground with his attacks, Matt was studying the race from mid-pack and I didn't feel like doing anything but following the fast wheels.

The wind was strong enough to defeat any breakaway attempts, so we all just sat around for the sprint. I sat on Nate's wheel. Nate sat on Bubba's wheel. And naturally the final results were as such.

Bubba Melcher (Team Clover)
Nate Freed (Cyclepaths/Wild Cherries Racing)
Nick Schaffner (Cyclepaths/Wild Cherries Racing)

In the end we had to mug Bubba in the darkened parking lot to get his tickets. It took all three of us to take him down. And that's what I call teamwork.

2009 Berkeley Hills Race Report

nick@53x11.com (Nick Schaffner) — Mon, 11 May 2009 10:33:00 -0700

Conrad and I drove out of Truckee at 3am to make my 7:30am start of the Pro 1/2 Berkeley Hills Road Race. 90 miles (5 laps) through the short steep hills surrounding the San Pablo Reservoir.

I was in a deep fatigue hole from the Tour of the Gila the week before, so I came up with a self-defeating plan. Sit in, don't work and eat. Then destroy the field for 40th to 75th place.

Lombardi Sports, Zteam, Webcor and Cal-Giant were well represented with riders. Most notably, crack addict reality-show-star turned international pro-cyclist Chad Gerlach was here racing again on American soil.

As soon as the referee blew the whistle to end our neutral roll out, Cal-Giant attacked, followed by Zteam, followed by Webcor, followed by Chad Gerlach, followed by about 10 other dudes. I knew as soon as it happened that it was the move to go with. My hesitation to react was tied to my pre-race plan of sucking.

But I tried to bridge anyways, and as it turned out I was about 30 seconds too late. I spent the next 3 laps trying in-vain to make it up to the breakaway. I was joined and/or followed wheels repeatedly of Lombardi Sports (who wasn't in the break) and Nate English of Zteam (who had teammates in the break, but seemed to by trying to catch them anyways). Cal-Giant wisely marked every move and we never made it more than the distance of a fart up the road.

I kept getting sensations of asthma on the backside of the course, and every time I would go anaerobic up the big climbs my whole lower body up through my abs and my arms would go tingly numb. While these crazy feelings didn't seem to hinder my performance, they certainly freaked the shit out of me.

After the 3rd lap, I didn't feel like racing anymore and watched the group ride away. DNF result for the day, but I am glad I quit early. The cumulative fatigue from training October though May coupled with hard efforts at Sea Otter and Gila have finally sunk in. Time to eat big, gain a little weight and enjoy a full week off.

2009 Tour of the Gila Race Report

nick@53x11.com (Nick Schaffner) — Wed, 06 May 2009 10:32:00 -0700

Nate Freed and I drove out to Silver City New Mexico, ready to rape the 5-day Tour of the Gila Cat 2 race in the ass. We fared well in the Cat 3 edition last year, and figured it would be a simple repeat for upgrade points. It wasn't so easy this time around.

We secured host housing with a woman in her late 70's who was on the precipice falling into complete mental senility. She had lots of cats, lots of loud TVs (turned on 24 hours-a-day) and lots of repeat questions. It made for an interesting week in Silver City.

There was no easily accessible internet access from our house, so all of my updates were composed on my Blackberry. Short emails and Twitter tweets were my communication to the outside world for the next 7 days.

Stage 1 - Mogollon Road Race

Just took 2 huge dumps. So I'm ready to rumble in stage 1 of the Gila Tour. 94 miles with an epic climb to a finish atop a ghost town. 7:43 AM Apr 29th from TwitterBerry

A 2 man break stayed away the whole race, with the winner finishing 6 mins ahead of field. I came in 10 mins down in 25th, Nate finished 15 mins down in 35th. We just didn't have the goods after 4 hours of torture in the sun. We aren't too far off the mark though, as long as my snoring doesn't keep us awake at night we have a good chance at recovering and moving up the GC ladder.

And yes, Lance is here. But racing in the Masters 35+ Cat 4/5 field to avoid the UCI ban. He is in a Mellow Johnny's Kit, not Astana. He won his race solo by 1 hour today.

-Nick

** Sent via mobile device (please excuse brevity & typos)

Stage 2- Inner Loop Road Race

Gila Tour Stage 2, my $400 GPS computer fell off my bike mid-race. I had to stop. It took 30 mins to find. I probably finished dead last... 2:59 PM Apr 30th from TwitterBerry

77 miles, 5800' of climbing. We hammered uphill from the gun, dropping a good portion of the field, including myself in the first 20 miles. After a quick recovery, I chased hard to catch the follow cars right before the "worlds most dangerous downhill." The descent is so gnarly that they post ambulances along a few corners.

Racing this stage last year, I gaped the field by 5 mins on the downhill, so I was thrilled that I was able to catch back on. That excitement was short-lived however as my very expensive Garmin 705 GPS computer fell off my bike and into the dusty bushes aside the road. I had to make the decision to stop and retrieve the $350 device, or continue on with the remote chance of winning the stage and earning a whopping $80. Even in oxygen debt the choice was clear.

It took me 30 minutes to find the damned Garmin. I then spent the next 50 miles riding by myself. I finished dead-last for the first time in my racing career, coming in over an hour down on the winners. Still not last on the GC though.

Nate stayed strong with group, but faltered in the final uphill head wind section to take 30th, moving up to 31st in the GC.

Needless to say, we are going to redeem ourselves by going 1-2 in the crit on Saturday, just as we did last year.

-Nick

** Sent via mobile device (please excuse brevity & typos)

Stage 3 - Tyrone Individual Time Trial

Gila Tour Stage 3, Tyrone ITT. 15th today. Proved I've got legs, I'm just lacking in luck. Looking forward to downtown crit tomorrow. 4:42 PM May 1st from TwitterBerry

16 mile out and back individual time trial with 1200' of extended climbing. There were no flat sections on the course, it was up and down the whole route. Nate and I were too far back on the GC for a good TT result to move us up, but we still wanted to test our legs against our peers.

I took 15th and Nate was 23rd. Evidence that we are still riding strong. Tomorrow is the downtown crit where we took 1st + 2nd place last year and are planning a repeat win. We are going to try and also get 3rd, 4th and 5th place just to prove how dominant we are.

-Nick

** Sent via mobile device (please excuse brevity & typos)

Stage 4 - Downtown Silver City Criterium

Gila Tour Stage 4, Downtown Crit. Nate was 3rd from the break and I sprinted the field for 6th. I blocked the break for 20+ laps. Phew... 1:11 PM May 2nd from TwitterBerry

32 miles, Silver City Downtown Criterium. The course featured one steep climb, a 50 mph downhill and a false flat through the finish with 20 mph winds gusting all over the circuit.

After the first lap, Nate slid up behind me and mumbled something along the lines of, "We should do something." That was all I needed to hear, and I fired off an attack. I stayed away with 4 guys for 5 laps before Nate bridged up with 2 more riders. But it wasn't long though before the field reeled us back in.

With 20 laps to go, Nate marked a strong rider off the front and formed a 3-man break. I rode immediately to the head of the peleton in order to disrupt the chase.

20 laps later and Nate's group still had a 15 second gap. He was killing himself in the break, and I was dying at the front of the pack setting pace and covering all attacks.

Nate grabbed 3rd place at the line and I muscled out a field sprint for 6th. We were both shattered by the end, as we worked our brains out for our placings.

$50 for 3rd & $16 for 6th. That almost pays for gas on the way home...

-Nick

** Sent via mobile device (please excuse brevity & typos)

Stage 5 - Gila Monster Road Race

Gila Tour, Stage 5. 102 mi. 9k climbing. In a 4 man break for the first 65 mi. Got dropped & hung on for dear life till the finish. Amen. 2:31 PM May 3rd from TwitterBerry

I knew I wasn't going to be able to achieve a good result today. 9000' of climbing over 102 miles is beyond my endurance. There was a $60 sprint preme at mile 10. I figured that I'd start with that and see how the rest of the day went.

I launched out of the pack as soon as we ended our neutral start. I was joined by two other riders. They were interested in an all-day break and I just wanted gas money for the drive home. I played the crazy-card hoping they would let me go and spoke nothing of the $60 prize. I kept taking really stupid long and hard pulls on the rollers in an effort to be set free. With a mile to the sprint line, I took off and grabbed the preme uncontested.

At this point we had a 5 minute gap on the field and decided to wait for one more rider to bridge up. Once we had our foursome locked in, we put in a solid 60 miles of work. Once I hit about 2000 kilojules on my power meter, the lights went out on my legs and I told them go on without me. The peleton, including Nate, caught me suffering alone at mile 65.

I limped the rest of route at the tail of the group, and meandered my way up the big climb to the finish. 34th on the day.

The consolation prize for the day was knowing that the breakaway I started and dropped out of managed to stay away and win the race.

-Nick

** Sent via mobile device (please excuse brevity & typos)

Just dropped the biggest deuce of my life in the dirt off Hwy 70 en route to the Gila. It measured longer than my forearm. Thanks Jack-in-the-Box. 9:30 AM Apr 28th from TwitterBerry

2009 Sea Otter Race Report

nick@53x11.com (Nick Schaffner) — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 10:30:00 -0700

Pro 1/2 Criterium, DNF. Dropped and pulled in the first 20 minutes after Bissel Pro Cycling shattered the field.

Pro 1/2 Road Race, 53rd. Dropped after 2nd lap when Levi Leipheimer threw down the hammer on the climb.

Pro 1/2 Circuit Race, DNF. Dropped and pulled with 15 laps to go.

Best weekend of racing ever. I'm really excited that Cat 2 amateurs with full-time jobs can be mixed into the same events with international pros and full UCI continental teams...

2009 Copperopolis Race Report

nick@53x11.com (Nick Schaffner) — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 10:13:00 -0700

I was Leipheimered, Nydamed, Jacques-Mayned (twice), bamboozled, horn-swallowed, pig-stuck, flipped upside-down, turned inside-out and spit out the back of the peleton like a greasy watermelon seed. Whatever I was supposed to have on the day, I didn't have it.

International pro cyclist Levi Leipheimer has shown up and won Copperopolis before, so it was no surprise to see him toe up to the start line for another 105 miles (5 laps) of suffering in Milton California.

Up the 1200' climb on the first lap, a midget in an Astana uniform flew past me and started laying down watts at the front and dropping riders. Including me. I managed to chase back on with the assistance of Canadian strongman Eric Wohlberg (supposedly retired). For the rest of the race, I was in a recovery hole that I never dug out of.

On the second lap I was dropped again on the climb. This time I didn't have a Canuk to drag me back to the ever-shrinking peleton. I chased like an abandoned dog for the next two laps and quit like a gassed fat-ass instead of doing a final loop.

DNF, Pro 1/2 Copperopolis

On a positive note, while analyzing my power files, I shattered my personal records for everything from 1 second through 120 minute max watt outputs. Strong, but not strong enough.

Ben Jaycques-Mayne (Bissel Pro Cycling)
Scott Nydam (BMC Pro Cycling)
Andy Jayques-Mayne (Bissel Pro Cycling)

Levi Leipheimer was DQ'd following a yellow-line infraction. Ironic, as the race promoter announced at the start line that the only way he was able to acquire the event permits this year was by having Levi attend.

2009 Land Park Race Report

nick@53x11.com (Nick Schaffner) — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 09:41:00 -0700

There was a 90% chance of rain all day long in Sacramento, yet the clouds didn't shed a single droplet until the last race of the day. Which of course happened to be the Pro 1/2 event Nate Freed and I were signed up for. Oh well, it was time to get those new yellow Mavic Zxellium road shoes dirty.

There was a very low "pro" count at Land Park today, so the chances of being able to use our amateur level power to initiate a result were exceptionally high. Motivated, check.

The course had some crazy, brake squealing "S" turns along the backside, and I was secure in my ability to stick them in the rain and use them to gap the field. Confident, check.

Motivation and confidence levels were high, now we just needed some of that all-important luck.

Ten hard charging laps into the race, someone overlaped my front wheel and I hit the deck hard. Instead of rolling to stop my momentum, figured sliding on the greasy wet pavement would induce less injury. 150 feet later with half my skin suit torn off, I may have made the wrong choice. I jumped back on my bike, only to find my front wheel was too warped to ride. I borrowed a wheel from a spectator and hurried to the wheel-pit for a replacement. One free lap later and I was back in the group.

Crashing hard took the wind out of my sails. I spent several laps just working back up to the front, and by that time the winning break had sailed away. But I was so focused on moving up, that I didn't even realize that anyone was up the road.

I thought we were sprinting for 1st place at the end, when it was actually for 6th. 12th place for me, 16th for Nate.

After crossing the finish line, I looked down at the top tube of my Scott Addict to discover that it was cracked in half. My handlebars must have crushed it in the crash. Aw Fuck.

2009 Madera Stage Race Report

nick@53x11.com (Nick Schaffner) — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 09:39:00 -0700

This coming weekend prepare to get ANNIHILATED! 3 days, 4 races, 1 shitty town...the MADERA DOME!! Hard core, non-stop Pro 1/2 racing action from Friday through SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! All your favorites will be there to fight to the death; Gravedigger, Bigfoot, Jacque-Maynes, Velopromo Rick and MORE!! Kid's super value seats are just FIVE BUCKS!! Adults tickets, only $72! This Friday though SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! BE THERE!!!!

Stage 1 - Ben Hur Hill Climb

10 miles, 1900' of climbing.

I couldn't hit a decent wattage to save my life. I suffered a thousand deaths the entire ride, and still turned out a terrible time.

Lyne Lamouruex, who took these photographs of the Uphill ITT was standing at the apex of a blind corner as I rode by. I didn't start my computer, so I had no idea how much farther I had to ride. I assumed she was at this turn taking pictures because it was so close the finish. Right? Nope, after blowing my remaining load thinking the line was only seconds away, I turned the corner and was punished with several more miles of the ITT, mostly uphill. 55th place, 8 minutes down on the G.C.

Stage 2 - Time Trial

Flat, 10 miles, headwind for the last half.

There was this huge machine along the course spraying the almond fields and riders with cancerous chemical. I took a deep breath as I rode by it and greeted with a sugary tasting coat. Once again, I was working like a dog a time trial, but my power kept dropping. When I saw the time of 24:30 (my exact same time from last year) flash up on my computer as I crossed the finish line, I officially retired from competitive cycling for a few pedal strokes. 47th place.

Stage 3 - Criterium

60 minutes of flat, wide open roads and no wind.

I was pissed from my poor ITT performance and ready to throw down. But so were a bunch of Pros far stronger than I. A small break stayed away until the end and I got out-sprinted by a girl. 28th place.

Stage 4 - Road Race

Rolling to punchy hills with a mile long section of the worst pavement in Northern California.

I started feeling frisky with 2 laps to go and began a series of many failed breakaway attempts. Just as I finished destroying my legs, Bissel Pro Cycling moved to the front and shattered the field through the mile of Nor-Cal cobbles. Ten minutes of biting my stem later and I managed to make the front group of 30 riders. For the remaining lap everyone was content with sitting in for the sprint. Unfortunately I left my sprinting legs back in lap 2. 41st place.

P 1/2 Madera Stage Race in the bag. Finished middle of the road for all 4 stages. Bleh. 2:38 PM Mar 15th from TwitterBerry

2009 Merco Race Report

nick@53x11.com (Nick Schaffner) — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 09:38:00 -0800

Merced is one of the many charming Central California towns bleeding directly off Highway 99. It is situated in the West Coast hotbed of almond farms, meth labs and gang violence.

Once a year, bike racing descends on this special city. This dazzling display of speed, heath and athleticism is a delight to Merced's growing homeless and non-english speaking population.

Nate Freed and I drove down to participate in the Downtown Criterium on Saturday followed by the Foothills Road Race on Sunday. Both Pro 1/2 races, with some big names showing up to race.

Merco Credit Union Downtown Grand Prix

Crossed wheels with U23 crit champ with 3 laps to go and went down so hard my rear wheel flew 500 yards away. DNF, but racing tomorrow. 8:30 PM Feb 28th from Twitter

40 Miles, 50 laps. Pancake flat course, with some narrow turns on the backside and a straight shoot through the finish line. The race was fast enough (28.3 mph avg) to keep me trapped in defensive mode. With 5 laps to go I locked onto the wheels of Rock Racing's Justin Williams (U23 National Crit Champ) and Rahsaan Bahati (USPRO Crit Champ) and refused to give them up.

Those same wheels two laps later jerked so hard across my front wheel that I crashed straight to the pavement. I tumbled over myself several times before somehow launching my rear wheel hundreds of feet down the course. Nate said he was able to draft my rolling-solo wheel to get back into the pack.

I broke my helmet, folded in my rear frame dropouts and warped both my wheels. Miraculously I walked away with nothing but a sore neck and some minor scrapes.

Merco Credit Union Foothills Road Race

Hung strong for 4 laps before running out of water. I had to stop & steal a bottle. Couldn't catch back onto the group. 120 miles, 4.5 hrs. 4:39 PM Mar 1st from Twitter

120 miles, 5 laps. Rolling flats with wind. It was fast. I attacked a couple times only to get chased down by riders far faster then I. Then I got a long stern public berating by Rahsaan Bahati for not watching my back wheel before I jumped out to attack. Ironically Rahsaan is the same guy who rode through my front wheel the day before while making some sketchy moves of his own. Then I dropped a water bottle and my attention turned elsewhere.

There was only a single person handing out neutral bottles for a field of 120 riders. Every time around I missed a handout. By the last lap my need for water overcame my desire to not-get-dropped. I stopped in the feedzone, stole two bottles out of a cooler and yelled out "Team Neutral Sucks!"

Team Neutral never saw the draft of the peleton again, and spent the last 20 miles riding by itself. I did have water though.